Scottish Scran: The Stuff We Actually Eat
Slice… or What the Other Half Call Square Sausage
Let’s start with something that confuses a lot of folk outside Scotland - and sometimes even inside it.
The square sausage.
Or as most of us normal people actually call it - slice.
For some reason, the rest of the world decided sausages should be long and round. Scotland looked at that idea and thought, nah… let’s make it square instead.
Slice sausage is usually made from minced beef (sometimes pork), mixed with spices and pressed into a big block before being cut into slices. Hence the name slice.
And honestly, it’s brilliant.
You’ll find it in pretty much every café, greasy spoon, or breakfast roll shop in Scotland. The classic order is a roll and slice - a morning roll stuffed with square sausage and usually drowned in brown sauce.
Simple. Greasy. Perfect.
I don’t know who first decided sausages should be square, but whoever they were deserves a fucking medal. Because trying to fit a round sausage properly inside a roll is a pain in the arse.
Slice fits perfectly.
Another small Scottish victory.
Slice is also known as Lorne sausage, and it’s a proper staple of a Scottish breakfast.
Why Scottish Chippies Are Different
Right, if you've never been to a Scottish chippy, yer missing out.
Scottish chippies are a wee bit different from other places because the menus are absolutely mental. It's not just fish and chips - it's basically a full menu of things that probably shouldn't be deep fried… but are anyway.
Fish, sausages, black pudding, haggis, pizza, pickles - if it exists, someone in Scotland has probably tried dropping it in the fryer.
Then there's the salt and vinegar situation.
When you ask for salt and vinegar in a Scottish chippy, what you actually get is your chips absolutely drowned in vinegar. We're not talking about a light sprinkle here. We're talking full-on soakage.
Your chips are practically swimming by the time they reach you.
And of course, depending where you are, you'll get offered chippy sauce. For anyone who doesn't know, it's a strange mix of brown sauce and vinegar that's somehow become a national obsession in parts of Scotland.
But the real challenge of eating chippy food in Scotland isn't the grease.
It's the fucking seagulls.
Those things are ruthless. One second you're walking along enjoying your chips, the next second a seagull the size of a small dog dive-bombs you and steals half your dinner.
Honestly, eating fish and chips near the sea is basically a competitive sport.
And listen - I kid you not. I swear on ma wains.
I took ma maw and dad along with my girls down to Largs one weekend to get a chippy from the Viking chippy. At the time that place was unreal (it's went a bit downhill since then), but anyway we sat outside at the front to eat it.
Now we're all fully aware these seagulls are brutal, so I told the kids to guard their food. Sit hunched forward over your chippy so the seagulls can't dive-bomb it.
Everything was going fine.
Then the old man, bless him, picks up his big sausage and brings it up towards his mouth…
Out of absolutely naewhere this massive bastard seagull swoops in and rips the sausage straight oot his hand.
To me it was funny as fuck.
But the old man was absolutely stunned.
He doesn't really go to places like Largs much, so he wasn't fully aware just how savage the seagulls are.
The Deep-Fried Mars Bar Myth
I'm going to be honest here - I've never tried a deep-fried Mars bar. I've heard the stories, seen the videos, and I'm pretty sure it's a bit of a myth.
But hey, if someone wants to make one for me, I'm all ears.
I'm sure if I rock up to my local chippy and ask for a deep-fried Mars bar, they'll sort me out, nae bother! Whether I'd actually eat it is a different story.
There's a line between curiosity and pure regret... and I feel like a deep-fried Mars bar might be it.
I struggle to eat a Mars bar on its own as it is - I'm more of a Snickers guy, to be honest.
I've seen the YouTube videos of people trying them, and the reviews are mixed.
But here in Scotland, it's not actually as big as you might think or believe. It's more of a novelty thing. For locals who have maybe tried one, I doubt it becomes a regular.
I've never really heard pals or family mention trying one either.
Even at my worst, when I used to drink - steaming, going into a chippy for a munch - I'd never in my wildest dreams have thought to ask for a deep-fried Mars bar. A pizza crunch, aye, definitely. But never the Mars bar.
If you've never heard of a pizza crunch, it's basically a battered and deep-fried slice of pizza, usually served with chips. You can see what it looks like in the picture above in the chippy section.
If you're in Scotland, fill yer boots and give it a try - but don't think it's a massive Scottish thing like Irn Bru. It's far from it.
Tunnock's Tea Cakes: Scotland’s Secret Weapon
Ahh the tea cakes. Right, straight off the bat - these things are popular here. Everyone and their granny has a box of them in their kitchen… maybe.
I get the appeal, I really do. Me, personally - not a big fan. I can eat one no problem, but I struggle at the best of times with chocolate. I love the cream inside the tea cake, but that’s about it. My wife, and now my daughters, love these things.
But it’s not something we stock often. I usually see them in my cupboard every now and then, but never regularly.
These things are as Scottish as they come - they're made just outside Glasgow.
I really do get why people love them, and in another timeline I probably would too. But for me, I struggle with the chocolate. I don’t know why, but as I’m getting older, either chocolate is pure shite now… or I’ve just changed.
I always remember back in the day chocolate being the tits, but nowadays… ach, I don’t know.
But for you reading this - you might love getting your tongue in and around one of these things. If you enjoy chocolate and cream, I’m pretty sure you’ll enjoy them.
Plenty more
There's a shit load more to cover - like tattie scones, morning rolls, tablet, fudge, empire biscuits, and plenty more... but I'll save that for another day.
